Cry Now, Cry Later

Czech Out Time Is Now

2012-01-12T19:26:00.000-08:00

In Brno, the streets run fluorescent yellow with last night’s drunken pee, those untold gallons of Red Bull & vodka hastily consumed and just as hastily evacuated, like God’s own water (40%abl) back when Noah built the Big Boat. By all indications, Brno is the Czech Republic’s version of a college town, and—according to the Internet and our trusty driver/tour manager/German translator Roland “I Make Zee Business Now” Bergner—the second-largest city in the country. Decibel is here because we’re rolling with Black Math Horseman on their triumphant 2010 US tour, rescheduled for 2011 due to last year’s Icelandic volcanothatcannotbenamed. Which makes it April 6, 2011, to be exact.

When we first pull up to the Melodka and eyeball the mural of cartoon hockey players on the façade and the gaggle of small children in actual hockey pads gunning down butts, Soviet style, out front, we’re convinced that the band would be playing a very large, very cold room with Plexiglass walls. As it turns out, the bottom floor of the Melodka is a hockey-themed diner, which is a phenomenon Decibel had never even contemplated in our wildest nightmares, much less encountered in real life. The upstairs bar/venue is separated from the diner by an excessively steep flight of stairs and a metal security gate that opens via electronic buzzer, pawnshop-style, by an especially bored-looking power-slag with magenta hair huffing roll-your-owns by the bar.

Outside, the poster for the show proclaims that Black Math Horseman play “in the style of Tool and Isis.” We all share a hearty group chuckle at that one, but Decibel secretly admires the promoter’s ability to do his job and be completely full of shit at the same time. Which pretty much sums up the dude’s entire work ethic when he turns up to greet us, all five-foot-nothing of him in a Baroness Blue Record t-shirt. But his English is way better than our Czech and he’s secured almost everything on the band’s rider, so his weasel-like nature goes largely ignored for the time being. He even pays BMH in advance, which turns out to be a tacit admission of just how totally fucking hammered and rip-roaring high he plans on getting later in the night.

Despite their absolutely terrible name, local openers Five Seconds To Leave turn out to be surprisingly awesome. And then Black Math play their finest show of the tour thus far while debuting the moody, apocalyptic visuals vocalist/bassist Sera Timms assembled for the band’s upcoming appearance at Roadburn. After the show, the promoter clinks his glass with a soup spoon and addresses the whole bar with a brief but triumphant speech in Czech that everyone seems to approve of. Later on, backstage and shitfaced, he tells Black Math they were better than when he saw Tool in Prague that one time.

And then the trouble starts.

At the beginning of the night, the promoter had handed Roland three sets of keys on pink plastic keychains, each to a room at a supposedly nearby hostel where the six of us—band, Decibel and Roland—were to stay that night. What he hadn’t done is told us how to get there. And by the time he finished slurring in two languages about how he could never listen to Tool again, he was in no shape to offer coherent directions to the Melodka’s bar, much less the hostel. So Roland does the natural thing and asks him to walk us there. But the promoter straight up refuses, says he’s too drunk and that it’s easy to get there, and that we just need to go up the block and take a right and a left and a right. Only he points left when he says right and points straight when he says left. By now it’s nearly 3AM and we’re out in front of the club. The promoter is surrounded by his boys, who are clearly wishing that the pesky Americans would piss off so they and their promoter friend can all keep pouring beers into their faces elsewhere. (As it turns out, some of the bars in Brno never close, ever.)

This is when Decibel decides to implement our time-honored behavior modification program in which we express—through nothing more than a calm tone of voice, the placing of hands firmly on the promoter’s slumped shoulders, and severely direct eye contact—that he really should walk us to the hostel, since we’re from out of town and all and he really wouldn’t want us to get lost and/or accosted by the local criminal element, would he? At which point our man finally relents, sloughing off into the Brno night with us while his shitty brosephs shout Czech epithets that none of us fail to understand.

So begins the long, brutally silent walk toward what we assume is the hostel. For a brief moment, it occurs to Decibel that our new friend might point us down a decidedly unfriendly alley in which we might be beaten, raped and relieved of our internal organs. But instead he leads us to a dingy hangover palace with no running water and a hooker bar on the bottom floor, the kind of steaming hot-sheet shit-hole that typically rents rooms in 15-minute blocks. And surprise, surprise: the keys he gave us actually work. We bed down fully clothed and armed to the teeth, humming “Sweet Chariot” until the Brno dawn finally consumes us.

This bullshit originally appeared in the July 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.

A Night At The Toolbox

2011-11-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

Valdas Paskas was doing his usual Tuesday night thing down at the Toolbox in Pembroke Pines, watching the sailor boys dance and listening to Slayer. He sipped his cranberry-and-soda and contemplated the unnerving events of the past week: the mysterious hang-up calls from unlisted numbers; the unmarked Crown Vic idling across the street from his chalet at all hours; the sudden freezing of his money-market account at the credit union in Davie; the notion that, though he wasn’t getting any richer, he certainly didn’t seem to be getting any younger. Also, the general feeling of malaise and perpetual exhaustion that seemed to embrace him like the folds of a wet ham that was about to be nuked gray and served for dinner with a side of powered potatoes and a hot glass of Tang.

Yes, it was clear that the ex-wives were closing in on him.

Just the thought of them made Valdas push his cranberry-and-soda aside and think about ordering a vodka. He couldn’t even concentrate on the smooth adolescent lines of the gyrating daisy boys, so unpleasant was the notion that he might have to speak with one of the shrill sows he had once been married to. He desperately wanted to order a vodka. Just one shot to dull the fear, the shrieking, the feelings of helplessness. No, he would hold fast. He would remain strong. He would remember what his sponsor said: “You are attached to something in time and space. You are identifying with your body, your feelings, your thoughts, your thirst. Recite your mantra and the rest will all go by.”

Valdas’ sponsor had suggested the standard and ancient Buddhist mantra: Om mani padme hum. To recite it continuously, his sponsor said, would result in transcendence and ultimately enlightenment. Valdas had tried it, but the mantra didn’t work. He had devised his own mantra. Or rather, he had nicked it from Mike Tyson: Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. Granted, it was wordier and more awkward to recite than Om mani padme hum, but it also had more modern relevance, Valdas felt. The words themselves were wiser and more useful. Plus, they were in English—not Valdas’ native language, but certainly his second tongue. It was true, too: Everybody did have a plan until they got punched in the face.

Fifteen years ago, Valdas had had a plan: To get famous, get rich, and retire to Florida with his trusty Thai pool boys, Tonto, Zorro, and the Lone Ranger. He had even made it to South Beach and lived with all three of them in extramarital bliss for a brief and fleeting period. Then the money ran out. Or was stolen from him, rather, via unscrupulous and mean-spirited litigation instigated by the ex-wives. They just couldn’t stand to see him happy. Especially Zoya, with her leopard-print stretch pants, yippy little dog and never-ending chain of lipstick-stained Virginia Slims. She was the most vindictive of them all. She had turned the screws on Valdas—hard. It was the only way she knew how to do anything: Negotiation by hammer. When they had met as teenagers back in Lithuania, she was already the most formidable hog-trader in the entire countryside. Her enthusiasm for hostile bartering was one of the qualities that first attracted Valdas to her. That, and her unstoppable ass. But now her ability to back any opponent into a corner with a withering sneer and a few choice words was being used against him. She was probably banging the lawyer, too.

The more Valdas pondered it, the more his situation seemed hopeless. He knew what Sid would say. Sid, his faithful companion and personal trainer: Wise beyond his years, however old he was, and Valdas had never been quite sure of that. But he knew what his friend would say, and it would be this: “Reality is on the other side of the visible.” Easy for Sid to say, Valdas frowned. On the surface, it was just another mantra. But like Iron Mike’s surprisingly astute observation, it had merit. It was possible, wasn’t it, that Valdas had not considered all of the potential options in his recent dealings with Zoya and the other ex-wives? Indeed, what guarantee did he have that all the relevant facts and angles could be understood strictly through the five senses?

At that moment, the sultry grind of the dancing boys regained its fleshy allure. Valdas couldn’t be a full one hundred percent positive, but he could just about swear that the blond one had winked at him. Finally he ordered a vodka and swallowed it down with a smile. Tomorrow, he would call Zoya with the bad news.

This bullshit originally appeared in the June 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.

Comets Are Born At Night

2011-10-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

Everything will come in its time, inexorably.

- Victor Serge, The Case Of Comrade Tulayev, 1942

It was a frigid and unforgiving midnight in Petersburg. As he bombed down the Nevsky Prospekt on foot, Kiril licked the blood off his gauntlets and contemplated the evening’s activities. The concert had gone well, for the most part. That one citizen up front had been a relentless douche, but had received what was coming to him. Hence the blood on Kiril’s spikes. As he fortified himself against the winds screaming off the Neva, he made a mental note to have a sit-down with Kostia to remind his guitarist as firmly as possible that “practice” equals “rehearsal” and that Kostia should do all his practicing before rehearsal. The bridge section in “Flash-Frozen Steppes” needs to happen five times, not four. The open space in “Blaster, Berator” should be held for one beat longer. As Kiril saw it, this was strictly a case of behavior modification, but it should be accomplished swiftly and with as little moaning as possible.

But then what? How best to integrate his artistic desires with the vagaries of the cosmic unconsciousness? Kiril knew he needed to go bigger. And blacker, in the most metal of senses. Siberian Destiny’s corpsepaint designs were cutting-edge, obviously, but they were not the next-level shit that Kiril aspired to. Minds had not been blown. How to find the path among so many potential others twining through his psychic forest like snakes fleeing fire? He thought of Tunguska: the felled trees, the peat bogs, the aerial photographs destroyed by Yevgeny Krinov. The whole incident had been a cover-up, no doubt about that, but what had happened? And cui bono?

But he was derailing himself. How to ease the gnawing at his brain pan, the slow fissure in what he felt to be his soul? He knew he had to think in terms of the eternal present, in terms of enlightenment as freedom from attachment. He would have to breach and forsake established norms. He would have to transcend.

Stage armor had been briefly considered and hastily dismissed. Too cumbersome, too cliché, too readily compatible with swords and then too easily associated with battlefield reenactments. Perhaps something involving lasers? Garish and much too expensive, probably, but he felt he had stumbled upon a general direction: The transmutation of energy. In terms of pyro, KISS had done it first and arguably best. Financially, Siberian Destiny just couldn’t compete in any sort of meaningful fashion. An elaborate light show was too predictable and not entirely in step with the band’s carefully honed image of cold steel and icy darkness. But then... perhaps that was it!

A working snow machine could be had fairly cheaply on the black market. While he was at it, Kiril would secure a few other necessities, including mirrored pick-guards and several large fans. Yes, the next performance would surely be an unbridled success. The Petersburg winter would continue indoors to the glorious soundtrack of merciless post-Soviet black metal. Indeed, the Winter Palace would tremble to its very foundations. The Church of the Savior on Spilled Blood would weep black lazurite tears of terror and distress. The Neva itself would vomit forth creatures of unknown origin and the barnacled corpses of ancient wars. In short, it would be totally fucking awesome.

He remembered the words of Victor Serge: “The human body is ugly, and if man has only his body, if thought is only a product of the body, how can it be anything but doubtful and inadequate?” It was true: Kiril’s dream was as vivid as it was implausible, but it was his own way of holding the world in his hands. And it provided crucial inspiration for the next phase of Siberian Destiny’s career. Kiril felt at one with the universe, secure in the knowledge that inspiration comes from within just as it does from without. Despite the icebound darkness through which he trundled, everything took on the rosy hue of unlimited success. The possibilities stretched to infinity in every direction. Kiril suspected that he was in love.

This bullshit originally appeared in the May 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.

Intervening Circumstances

2011-09-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Is it my turn to hold the talking pillow now? Great. Let me just suggest you take these next few moments to calm the fuck down already. Take a deep breath. Find your center, say your mantra, do whatever Ram Dass shit you need to do to pull it together. Because I think you’re gonna stroke out if you keep at it like this, Jeff. All this stuff you’re blabbering about, day in, day out—the black helicopters, the Philadelphia Experiment, the guitar-solo bonus disc from Formulas Fatal To The Flesh—nobody gives a shit, okay? You just sound like a crazy person when you talk like that. A crazy person with enormous pit stains and mustard on his shirt. Just change that thing, okay? We all know that Bolt Thrower is your favorite band. We’re your friends, remember?

Look, a wise man once said that human beings are completely unreliable because their entire DNA regenerates itself every few years. Makes sense, right? So why are you so surprised that Debbie split? Or do you think it could have something to do with, I don’t know, all this flying fucking saucer shit? Or the Morbid Angel bonus disc routine? Dude, that shit is not dinner music. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that before it sinks into that obscenely thick, greasy skull of yours. Also, you should think about washing your hair. That could be another reason right there. I mean, dude. Gross.

Another thing we should probably discuss: This house is not haunted, okay? No, no, let me finish—I have the talking pillow—I don’t care what Maud or anyone else told you. I know you think you heard a voice or something like that. Fine—voices. The place was built in 1933. It creaks, alright? You know this. Just forget whatever you heard about the little girl—the alleged little girl—who allegedly fell down the stairs in the ’50s and allegedly broke her neck. She wasn’t moaning. Or calling you for help. You had too much to drink, end of story. You know how you get when you do shots. And that other thing? That other thing was just Randy fucking with you. He was pressing your buttons, man. Yeah, yeah, I know: “Plausible deniability.” Whatever.

I think what it comes down to is, you watch too many of those conspiracy theory movies. All that shit about the Bilderbergers and fluoride and chemtrails is turning your brain into oatmeal. Okay, okay, so the shit about 9/11 is probably true. That’s one thing out of… too many, Jeff. And that’s my point, dude. You’re on overload. Unemployed and way over-stimulated. So, look, I cancelled the cable, alright? That’s step one in terms of getting things down to a dull roar around here. I don’t know what to do about the goddamn Internet though, buddy. Maud needs it for the email, and we can’t realistically expect to go all Chinese government on you with that one. So I’m just asking you to take it easy, okay? Go outside, get some fresh air. I don’t know; take up bird watching or some shit. Because honestly, I think I speak for all of us here when I say that you’re working our last nerve.

Okay, buddy. I’m gonna hand you the talking pillow in a second here so you can say your piece. I just want you to know that we’re all just trying to look out for you. We’re here to help, you know? Like, remember that time that Maud’s schnauzer—what was his name? Basil? Yeah, Sir Basil Rathbone—right. Remember when Sir Basil Rathbone fell into the pool and you were the only one who saw it happen and you ran over and saved him from drowning? That’s what we’re doing here. We’re trying to save you from drowning. We love you, man. We just wanna help you work through this. Together.

This bullshit originally appeared in the April 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.

Out Foxed

2011-06-08T13:42:00.001-07:00

I miss the lovin' that you gave to me/On top of you is where I wanna be/Your body's carved in stone in my mind/I see your pony tail from behind.

- Britny Fox, “Six Guns Loaded”

They say history repeats itself, but they never seem to mention that it will occasionally try to finger-bang you in a Hollywood rock bar on Saturday night.

There we were—your humble narrator, my business manager, Juan Perez, and our manservant, Gerwick—knocking back a few cold ones in our reserved booth at the Burgundy Room on Cahuenga Boulevard. We’d just been informed by the owner that they no longer soak the bar down with lighter fluid and set it on fire to the tune of Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades” at midnight, so there was no real reason to stick around.

My business manager got up for one last round, and spotted a pile of teased blonde hair hunched over a warm Heineken at the bar. I’d noticed the dude a few minutes after we walked in, and he hadn’t moved since. When I owe my business manager money (which is pretty much always), he likes to torture me by hauling the drunkest shithead in the bar over to our table and then leaving him/her with me. I had already sponged three drinks off him tonight, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised when he came back with the hair farmer in tow. Dude was in his mid-to-late 40s, rocking a sky blue Miami Vice-style sport coat and a black shirt unbuttoned down to his sagging navel. Like every third person I meet, he seemed convinced I was “Rob Zombie” and settled into our booth next to my business manager, who immediately got up and encouraged his companion to “slide in next to Rob.” He was swollen and puffy, his jowls flecked with spit as he launched into a half-coherent tirade about what he perceived to be the dismal state of the Hollywood rock scene.

Upon learning that our new friend was a former member of a reasonably successful 80s cock rock band (for anonymity’s sake, let’s just say it was Britny Fox), my manager immediately bought him another drink—which was to be expected, really: My manager is a notorious cock rock fiend who will buy drinks for and/or share drugs with anyone even vaguely affiliated with the genre, no matter how obscure. I could tell by the look in his eyes that his only regret was that our new friend (henceforth known as Britny) wasn’t his personal hero, former Bang Tango singer Joe LeSte.

“You guys are cooool,” Britny slurred, as he kept shaking our hands and toasting us every 3 ½ seconds. He was a close-talker, and spittle flew from his mouth in torrents as he ranted and raved about his glory days on the Strip. At one point, he also claimed to be a former member of Spread Eagle (a band that released two seminal coke-metal albums in the early 90s), but this turned out to be false when my business manager checked his LP collection later that night. Which is too bad, ’cause it would’ve made our boy seem a lot cooler.

About ten minutes into the conversation, Britny had fucking X’s in his eyes. He was also touching my arms, like, a lot—and the incessant spitting was really starting to get on my tits.

“I used to run the Strip,” he moaned.

“Then what the fuck are you doing on Cahuenga?” my business manager replied.

“Who’s got the drugs?” Britny asked.

“We thought you did,” I said.

“Yeah, I’ve got the drugs,” he replied. “You guysss are really cool.”

He kept touching me as he talked, and then started pinching my arms with his long yellow fingernails. He clearly wanted to sniff coke off our buttholes.

I turned to Gerwick and said, loud enough so Britny could hear me, “I’m done with this guy. I’m gonna tell him to piss off.” But Britny was oblivious—or was at least pretending to be, so I looked him in the eye and said, “It’s time for you to go.”

When Britny lolled around for another minute or so, panting obscenely and cackling for drugs, my manager put the hammer down. “Dude. Go. Now,” he barked. But Britny was in his own little world, muttering into his Heineken and picking his nose. My manager proceeded to have him escorted out by the seven-foot bouncer.

When we left the bar a few minutes later, Britny was slumped over in the alley next door with a dark stain on the front of his pants.

The point, I think, is this: Fifteen years from now, a group of 30 year-old Warped Tour refugees from Orange County will spot one of the dudes from Avenged Sevenfold at Party Boys 2 in the Valley and buy him a drink. And trust me on this one: No one from Avenged Sevenfold was in Spread Eagle.

This bullshit originally appeared in the November 2005 issue of Decibel magazine.

Christmas With Thunderstick

2011-04-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

12.25.10

Dear Diary,

Christmas infuriates me in a thousand different ways, but mostly because Mum gives my brother Lightning Rod all the best gifts. This year he got an iPhone and one of those ’lectronic readers wot let you get the Times paperless-like. She give me a Lucha libre mask and a carton of ciggies again this year, which only proves that she has never understood me or my refined sense of aesthetics. After presents, I went to my room and listened to Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everybody” over and over again on my old Hello Kitty 45 player. Then Dad busted in without knocking. Again. “Quit sulking,” he tells us. “It doesn’t become you.” What he means is: “You get free room and board here, innit? So don’t act all pissy when your stocking comes up light.”

Back when I was in Samson, I didn’t have to put up with this shite. I was king of the neighborhood in them days, lead drummer for one of the most popular NWOBHM bands in the land. We opened for Robin Fucking Trower at the Hammersmith Odeon in 1980, don’t forget. AND I WAS THE SECOND-EVER DRUMMER FOR IRON MAIDEN FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Lightning Rod used to follow me around like a wee puppy back then. He wouldn’t even be called Lightning Rod if it weren’t for me giving him the nickname as encouragement, like. He would be just plain old Clive Graham, assistant to the assistant of the vice president of the local council estate. But I’d still be Thunderstick, even though Bruce Dickinson won’t return my calls. Alas, I guess nobody gives a toss anymore. Not even me own Mum.

Christmas supper is awkward, as usual. Mum’s half in the bag by 3 o’clock, and Dad’s well on his way. Meanwhile, Lightning Rod keeps looking things up on his iPhone just to annoy me. “According to Wikipedia, Blackpool is the fourth most densely populated district of England and Wales outside of London,” he informs us with a giant shit-eating grin. “Isn’t that where your old drum kit washed ashore after you tried to give it a proper Viking funeral in Troon?” When I fail to react, he starts downloading fart apps and working them relentlessly, occasionally chiming in with his own not-so-virtual contributions. Our idiot cousins are in stitches, of course, but he’s really starting to get on my tits.

I spend the rest of the evening resisting the urge to throttle him into oblivion while all the aunts and uncles fall asleep in front of the telly. I picture my hands wrapping around his soft white throat, thumbs pressed firmly on the Adam’s apple, fingers squeezing the carotid artery like one of those grippers with the plastic handles that I used to nick from the gymnasium. His eyes bulge from their sockets as his face slowly turns purple. I can see his blood vessels and, like, capillaries starting to burst. Sputtering like the mental midget he is, he grasps at the air for help that never comes. And then I punch his fucking card, once and for all. Free at last, it seems! Free at last!

But mostly I just bide my time, watching the clock until that magic hour when I can go down the pub, have a pint or twelve, and wear my new rhinestone mask in peace. Occasionally, some of the boys from Fist or Praying Mantis turn up and we have a laugh. Inevitably, someone will put Maiden on the jukebox and I’ll have to open up that someone’s face up with a left cross. At which point I will be politely asked to leave. At which point I will probably tell everyone in the pub to fuck off. At which point I will be escorted out by Terry, the bouncer and my old mate from primary school. At which point I will stumble home, only to find Lightning Rod giggling like an idiot, probably watching that Shaker Weight video on his iPhone for the three hundredth time.

Like I said, Christmas infuriates me in a thousand different ways.

This bullshit originally appeared in the March 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.

Jesus Yelled At My Hotrod

2011-03-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

Repent, brothers and sisters!

Repent, for you do the Devil’s handiwork every time you raise those unholy fingers in the sign of the horns!

REPENT, for Jesus cannot love you if you do not love him! Even though Jesus loves everybody. Except fags. And liberals. And/or those who cannot bring themselves to vote Republican in the next election.

Repent, for the music of Satan will only plunge you further into the depths of hell! And that hell is HOT, brothers and sisters. It is fiery and merciless. It is fierce and unforgiving. The flames will scorch your flesh and blacken your very soul. And then your soul will be blacker than it is right now, at this moment, as you blast that Satan music from your car full of illegal immigrants and hoist your middle finger in what you imagine is defiance. Blacker than that indeed, brothers and sisters! And blacker still, until there can be none more black. Do you hear me, my wayward lambs? NONE! MORE! BLACK!

REPENT, I say! For I have spoken with your spokesperson, a certain Mr. … Lant. Yes, Conrad Lant, from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, which I’m told is in some faraway place called Europe. And it has not been a reassuring conversation, brothers and sisters. No! It seems this illegal foreigner has some ideas of his own about the spiritual needs of this fragile human enterprise and its relationship—or lack thereof—with a higher power. Indeed, many of Mr. Lant’s illegal comments and sentiments were decidedly un-Christian. He made several references to my unmentionables, for example. But I suppose I should not be surprised, not with the unruly state of the great unwashed that stands before me today, what with your unkempt beards and your abortions and your heavy metal. What’s next? Drugs? Oh, but I imagine you’re already into those—the uppers, the downers, the all-arounders! And what about anal? Yes, ANAL, brothers and sisters! Be it between a man and a man or a Muslim and his dog, it is BLASPHEMY. But I can already smell it on you. I can smell it like I can smell the poop in your pants when Jesus comes to judge you. How will thee be judged? Harshly and swiftly, I should think! HARSHLY AND SWIFTLY!

REPENT, for you are unknowing and ungrateful! The almighty JEEEEZUS will have no use for you. Not now, not ever … UNLESS! Unless you kneel down before Him and beg his forgiveness and the forgiveness of Glenn Beck and swear upon your heart that tax cuts for the ridiculously wealthy are the only way to ease our earthly woes! Yes, prostrate yourself before Christ! I beseech you to beseech Him! It is the only way to absolve your filthy, homosexual, heavy metal abortionist lifestyle in the eyes of the Lord! ABORTION! HOMOSEXUAL! FILTHY!

Repent, I tell you! Do it now or suffer the consequences on Judgment Day! Because that day is coming soon, you dirty gaylords. And punishment will be worse than anything described in that Devil music you listen to, worse even than the bloody, half-formed fetuses you throw in the trash can after having all that hot gay sex out of wedlock and smoking crystal meth for three days with unwed mothers and heavy metal. REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! And write to your senator to tell him that God HATES “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” It is then and ONLY then that JEEEEZUS can forgive you! He is the only way out of the darkness and into the light! Tell your senator that unemployment benefits are for COMMUNISTS! Tell him to give that money to the corporations and giant banks that NEED IT! Tell him you believe in the trickle-down economy and that you will believe in it until you freeze to death in your own bed come February, bloated from starvation! Tell him you want more predatory loans! Tell him that women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant! GET THEM SHOES OFF, BEEETCH! Tell him that all brown people should be shipped back to ESS-PAN-YOL! Ask him, does he realize that the president is A BLACK MUSLIM FROM AFRICA? Do it now, brothers and sisters, do it now! HOMOSEXUALS! HEAVY METAL! ABORTION! REPENT! REPENT! REPENT!

This bullshit originally appeared in the February 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.

Couch Trip

2011-03-10T17:16:00.001-08:00

From the transcript of a free psychoanalysis session requested by an unnamed patient and conducted by his childhood friend, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, April 21, 1984. Reprinted with severe reservations.

Unnamed Patient: “My spirit animal came to me in the night. At least I think it was my spirit animal.”

Noisewater: “What was it?”

“A jackalope.”

“Fuck off.”

“That’s a little unprofessional, don’t you think?”

“Sorry, but you expect me to believe you had a dream about a jackalope? Just consider my chain yanked and let’s move on.”

“It was a man-size jackalope. He was riding a white horse. And he was wearing a denim vest with a Motörhead patch on it. And I think maybe one of those Metallica ‘Metal Up Your Ass’ patches.”

“What’s a motorhead?”

“You know, like a tweaker. A speed freak. One of those amphetamine people with the scabs and green teeth and whatnot.”

“Why would a jackalope have a patch of that?”

“It’s also a band.”

“Oh. Any good?”

“The best.”

“So what happened?”

“With the jackalope? He gave me a sword.”

“How do you know it was a he?”

“I don’t know. I just sensed it. He seemed very masculine.”

“Then what happened?”

“I think he wanted me to cut his head off. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill my new friend because he was an awesome jackalope and I just wanted to hang out with him and maybe pound some brews or whatever.”

“Why do you think he wanted you to cut his head off?”

“I have no fucking idea, man. But the whole thing just felt weird, like he was trying to tell me something that I could only find out by chopping off his head. For a second I thought maybe the idea was that he’d grow a new head that would tell me something important. Like the second head had all the secret info but was being suppressed by the first head.”

“I see.”

“Could you move your chair like three feet further away from me? I can smell your breath. What did you eat for lunch, a can of pickled assholes?”

“Smoked salmon, actually.”

“Shmoked shalmon, actually.”

“Why are you being such a dick?”

“I’m being a dick? I told you in all earnestness that I had a dream about a jackalope—my spirit animal—and you told me to fuck off.”

“I think maybe the problem is that…”

“Look, I know what the problem is. But what the shit can I do about it?”

“Wait, what do you think the problem is?”

“The problem is that I need to figure out a way to re-enter my dream so I can cut off the jackalope’s head and find out what the second head needs to tell me.”

“I thought you said you didn’t wanna do that.”

“I know. But I think I need to. I think it’s crucial to my development as a human being.”

“Since when did you care about that?”

“Fuck you, Kenny. I’m serious.”

This bullshit originally appeared in the January 2011 issue of Decibel magazine.

Letter To The Editor

2011-01-21T13:39:00.000-08:00

On Oct 4, 2010, at 11:05 AMthisisnotmyemailaddress@gmail.com> wrote:

Hey, Alberto –

It was awesome hanging out with you down in Richmond the other day. Psyched you could make the trip. My favorite part was when Witte ran over that old lady with his fixed-gear. That’s what you get for being a cripple in public.

Sorry about that thing with those dudes at the bar, though. I didn’t realize how pissed and, like, Samoan they were until his fist was about four inches from your skull. I know you’re a vegetarian and all, but that trick with the steak over the eye really does reduce swelling. I know ’cause I saw it on The Brady Bunch once. That was a sweet episode. How hot was Maureen McCormick back in the day, by the way? I would’ve loved to get handsome with her when she used to swap hand-shandies for cocaine. I had some pretty vivid dreams about that chick until my adolescent fantasy rolodex replaced her with Phoebe Cates from Fast Times and Samantha Fox’s chest.

So, I’ve been mulling over some of the stuff we talked about. In retrospect, I realize that 5000 words of speculative meta-history on how the lyrics to Siouxsie and the Banshees’ “Night Shift” provided the basis for every Cannibal Corpse song ever written is a bit excessive. But I think my point remains valid. Would you let me go 1800?

You’re totally right about that Appice Brothers cover story. I don’t know what I was thinking on that one. Yeah, they’re drum legends and all, but dB readers probably aren’t super-familiar with the work of King Kobra and, like, 3 Legged Dogg. I don’t care what anyone says, though: That first Blue Murder album is Hall Of Fame material.

I’m torn about the “Win A Candlelight Dinner With Glen Benton” contest. I’ve met that cat, and I’m fairly certain he’ll be bummed if a dude shows up to that fancy French joint the label is trying to book this thing at. Also: Since when does Tampa have a restaurant that serves something other than tainted shellfish and Coors Light?

I know I told you this already, but it bears repeating: I am totally cool with turning the entire Up Front section over to Fenriz.

Despite the fact that I argued vehemently against it for like 15 minutes, I’ve decided that letting Jeff Walker and Seth Putnam write all the reviews next issue might actually be kinda fun. Especially if we can dress it up with some of those photos Seth has been posting on the Interhole lately. Historically, dB seems to do really well at the newsstand when we have shirtless fat dudes in the mag. I’m not sure if the numbers will hold up if we switch it to bottomless fat dudes getting their dicks sucked by bony skanks from Revere Beach, but there’s only one way to find out.

Can you imagine the elegant romance of that first date, by the way? I can:

Seth: On your knees, bitch. This thing ain’t gonna suck itself.

Skank: Do you mind if I smoke while you fuck me?

Seth: You are so goddamn hot right now.

Skank: Do you mind if I snore while you fuck me?

Seth: Oooh, baby. I think I’m gonna come.

Skank: Just whip your dick out and chuck it into my pussy.

Other stuff I’ve been thinking about:

* Do you think we can get Deepak Chopra to interview Trey Azagthoth? Because I just don’t have that kind of time. (Is that new Morbid Angel album even coming out?)

* Can you hook me up with Jerry A. Deathburger’s email? I need to tell him about the grind band I’m pretending to start with a couple of the dudes from The Red Chord. We’re gonna call it Scab Mangler. Our first album will either be I Hope You Die In A Cancer Fire or I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa.

* Q&A’s with Marty Friedman and Merle Allin. Seriously.

Okay for now. Talk soon, dude.

- JB

P.S.: I got dibs on the Leatherwolf Hall Of Fame.

This bullshit originally appeared in the December 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.

Dear Dominator

2010-12-27T15:58:00.000-08:00

My new friend Valdas Paskas, a.k.a. The Dominator, former vocalist for legendary UK proto-grind titans Face Violator, has asked (demanded) that I turn Cry Now, Cry Later over to him every once in a while (“whenever I like, you cunt”) so he can answer queries from his fans around the world. This is the first installment, obviously. And quite possibly the last.

Dear Dominator,

Many Hailz!!!! I love black metal, but I think posing in the forest in corpsepaint whilst wielding a sword is gay. What should I do?

Best,

Corky from Cardiff

Hey, Corky—I was just thinking the same exact thing while I was in the forest wearing corpsepaint and wielding a sword. Then I remembered that I had a life to lead.

Dear Dominator,

What do you think of these d-bags with sideways haircuts who are combining Auto-Tune with bad metal?

Maggie

Port Townsend, WA

Dear Maggie,

I’m glad you asked. What’s Auto-Tune?

Dear Dominator,

Did you really tell Ian Gillan to “huff my sweaty bag, fat boy,” when Face Violator opened for Sabbath in ’84?

Ronnie

Omaha, NB

First of all, Ian Gillan is the fattest, drunkest fuck in rock n’ roll next to Bob Hite (R.I.P.) from Canned Heat (R.I.P.). And what I actually said was: “You better clean up this beer, fatso. You wouldn’t want me to slip and accidentally put my foot up your ass.”

Dear Dominator,

When I was 12, I found a dead squirrel in the woods behind my house and decided to see what it would feel like. You know, on the inside. That’s when I discovered that it wasn’t actually dead. What do I do?

Alaksandar

Minsk, Belarus

Dear Alaks,

I suggest you toughen up and stop being such a faggot. Penetrating a small mammal is considered a rite of passage all across Eastern Europe. Suck it up, sissy.

Dear Dominator,

I hear you make an excellent lamb stew. Care to share the recipe?

Danke,

Karl from Hamburg

Okay, Karl. The recipe you seek is an ancient and highly guarded Lithuanian secret, but here goes: 1) Kill the lamb by strangling it with your bare hands. (2) Butcher, clean and dress the beast. (3) Throw everything into a cauldron over an open flame. (4) Go fuck yourself.

Yo, Dominator –

When I get out, Imma kick ya big white ass for what you did to my girl.

Tito

Pelican Bay SHU

Hey, Tito—your girl is actually right here. If she didn’t have her mouth full at the moment, I’m sure she’d say hi.

Dear Dominator,

Where can I find your albums? I’ve searched everywhere, even the Internet. Do you even exist?

Ian

Sheffield, England

Dear Ian,

Of course I exist. You just emailed me, genius. As for the albums, did you check your mom’s house? I’m pretty sure I saw some when I was over there.

Dear Dominator,

I used to be in a moderately successful third-rate metal band back in the late ’70s and early ’80s. Then our lead singer’s ego blew up like a balloon, so he split the band and went solo. He’s still kind of a prick, but I think we might have one more album in us if we put our minds to it. Should I get the band back together?

Pete from Brixton

I know this is you, Damone. The day we get the band back together is the day hell freezes over and Satan comes over to plant a money tree in my backyard. Faaaaaaahk youuuuuuuuuuu.

_________________________________________

The Dominator currently resides somewhere in Thailand with his three teenage pool boys, Zorro, Tonto and the Lone Ranger. You can email him your questions at maximum.domination@gmail.com

This bullshit originally appeared in the November 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.

Face Pollution

2010-11-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Alice Cooper the other day. Had he been present, he would have heard me telling this story I like to recount after about half a beer to whoever is within earshot:

I remember most of the details like it was yesterday. My barely competent attorney, Juan Perez, and I were at a Sebastian Bach show in Nashua, New Hampshire. This was probably like 10 years ago. Almost eleven. After the show—yeah, it was awesome—we spotted a couple of skanks leaning against the bar, waiting to be escorted backstage for an audience with “Baz.” These chicks were straight out of ’87—teased hair, short leather jackets, ripped fishnets, makeup applied with a spatula, giant hoop earrings, the full creature double feature. This is New Hampshire, remember. At a place called Sharky’s. Which is pretty much all you need to know. Well, almost. Because then Skank One turns to Skank Two, waves three fingers in front of her own tropical-fish-like visage and asks, “How’s the face?”

It was an excellent fucking question. Because what if The Face had been obscured by something other than five pounds of foundation, eyeliner and rouge? Or what if said foundation, eyeliner and/or rouge had been smeared across The Face in an unsightly manner, making Skank One look like the famous dead actor from that overrated Batman movie? (Granted, that movie had not been released when this happened. But you can see what I’m getting at here.) What if dust, foodstuffs or other detritus had become lodged in the gelatinous beige craters that just this morning had been plain old acne scars? The horrors were endless, but none more frightening than the potential result: If The Face was not presentable, perhaps Mr. Bach would be disinclined to put his wee-wee in or around it. Not that we have the slightest clue whether or not Skid Row’s former lead vocalist ever engaged in these kinds of sweaty extracurricular activities at midnight on a Tuesday, or whatever, in Nashua, NH. Last time we checked, he’d been married for like 300 years.

The upshot of witnessing this exchange is that my attorney and I replicate it at least a couple of times a month. Whenever we go out to lunch and one of us feels as though we might have crumbs in our beard, we bust out three fingers and a quick “How’s the face?” The question has to be asked with the kind of corpselike seriousness that Diane Sawyer used to summon effortlessly on 20/20 when she wasn’t completely shitfaced. If this routine qualifies as a male bonding ritual, I figure it’s at least way less gay than shirtless chest-bumping at a Rage Against The Machine concert, and maybe only slightly gayer than, I don’t know, watching football on the idiot box, eating hot wings and grunting at each other? But Americuh accepts the idiot box/hot wings/grunting scenario as so stereotypically hetero that its prominence in the national milieu reeks of overcompensation for all the ass-grabbing and bending over that happens on the scrimmage line. It’s like Chris Barnes’ Cannibal Corpse lyrics or something. Methinks the lady doth protest too much, dude. What’s that from, anyway? Shakespeare? Nothing gay about that.

But I seem to be getting off track here. Somewhere on an air-conditioned indoor golf course in Arizona, Alice Cooper is losing interest in my story. Oh, right: The Skanks. The 14-year old inside of me—you know, the one who writes for this magazine—is still secretly in love with those skanks, even though neither of us can remember what they looked like. (That 14-year old would’ve been just three years old back then, but he still knew a sure thing when he saw it.) In a way, those lusty ladies weren’t all that different than my attorney and I that night. We were all reliving a particularly fond piece of our teenage years; we were all psyched to be getting our drink on in the general vicinity of a once-mighty rock legend, and we were all definitely singing along to “Eighteen And Life.” At Sharky’s. In Nashua. Wow. The more I think about it, the more I sincerely hope those faces made the cut.

This bullshit originally appeared in the October 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.

Montreal Scene Report: Get Your HAD On

2010-09-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

As you know, we here at Decibel magazine pride ourselves on our ability to bring you the latest and greatest in extreme underground metal stylings. In that spirit, we offer the following Montreal scene report from our intrepid reporter and comrade, J. Bennett. Doctor Bennett filed this report while still in Montreal, that sparkling city by the bay (ocean? lake?) from which he has yet to return. We fear his “full immersion” style of journalism has compelled him to join some of the vagabonds profiled in this piece.

Outside the Mont Royal metro stop, Crazy Henri shakes his dirty fists at the heavens and curses the god that has forsaken him. The noise coming from his mouth sounds like a dying whale being fed into a wood chipper by an army of smelly homeless dudes suffering from the DTs. That’s probably because Crazy Henri is a smelly homeless dude suffering from the DTs, right down to the green teeth and semen-encrusted pantaloons. But our man isn’t feeding a dying whale into a wood chipper. He can’t even afford a wood chipper. Luckily, the hot new music genre Crazy Henri is credited with inventing is totally and completely free—despite the fact that you can’t yet steal it off the Internet.

Yes, the latest extreme metal craze currently sweeping the rues of Montreal is called homeless a cappella doom—that’s HAD for short—and it sounds a little something like this:

“AAAOORRAAARGGHHHH!” (Repeat 22 times.)

That’s right, oh faithful readers. No shredding solos, tasty riffing or thunderous blastbeats required. This shit is au naturel, from Crazy Henri’s armpit-microphone to Allah’s uncaring ears. And what began just a few months ago as one unspeakably horrible-smelling human being throwing down the doom—homeless a cappella doom—outside of Who Wants A Crepe? can now be found panhandling in the entryway of nearly every Couche Tard convenience store in this magical quasi-European burg. Today, Crazy Henri enjoys godfather status in the HAD scene. Later this week, he’ll open for local punkers Vaginal Croutons at Les Foufounes Electriques, a.k.a. the Electric Asshole, over on Saint Catherine.

Meanwhile, the occasionally deflated but always hilarious junkies on Saint Laurent congregate in the parking lot behind Club Soda in hopes of catching an impromptu performance by Monique LeTrec, otherwise known as The Sea Hag. Rumor has it she washed up on the beach back in ’03 after fleeing Newfoundland on a raft made out of balsa wood and fish heads. But today she’s the gin-blossomed Bonnie to Crazy Henri’s shitfaced Clyde: The doom-loving duo often go dumpster diving together in the alleys behind Montreal’s most glamorous jack shacks.

Of course, where the smoke from a burgeoning musical trend befouls the local air, the firemen of opportunity always come calling with lighter fluid and recording contracts. Pierre “Peaches” Benoit, a longtime HAD supporter and part-time social worker, is one of these soul-sucking carpetbaggers. But he agrees to meet us for a drink upstairs at Pussy Corps, so we let him run through his talking points. “Homelessness is not a joke, and with a decent push from a big label like Warner Brothers, homeless a cappella doom won’t be one for much longer,” he insists. In a nod to local custom, Benoit arrives at our meeting in typical Quebecois summer garb: baggy three-quarter length cargo pants (white), a bright neon tank top and a moldy pair of burlap man-sandals. “Plus, I read the first half of Nick Flynn’s Another Bullshit Night In Suck City last year, so I know what I’m doing when it comes to dealing with these artists.”

Benoit’s first cash-in is a HAD compilation called Get The Fuck Off My Car, Creep—a re-appropriation, he says, of an epithet often hurled at many of the compilation’s contributors in between street performances. An advance copy of the track listing reveals that Crazy Henri recorded at least two songs for the collection, including his hits “I Got Arrested For Public Urination (Again)” and “Brown Bag Blues,” while the Sea Hag delivers her asphalt anthem “Olde English Lover” and a doomed-out cover of “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’” Elsewhere, newcomer Gilles L’espalier chimes in with “URRRGGGHHHHH!” and “I Needs A Dollar For The Muthafuckin’ Aliens,” a local buzz track that fuses HAD with London-style grime rap.

“I don’t know about you,” Benoit says as his halitosis nearly knocks us off our barstool. “But I think this shit could be huge.”

This bullshit originally appeared in the September 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.

Run, Piggy, Run

2010-08-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I had this dream the other night, dude. It was kinda fucked up. At first, it was totally cool, like one of those recurring deals I have about Becky Griswold, where we’re in the bushes behind the armory and she’s giving me the business, real sloppy and nasty-like. Only we’re not in the bushes and instead of Becky Griswold it’s the dudes from Pig Destroyer and there’s no business going on anywhere. So right off the bat it’s a total bummer. But it gets worse, dude. Much worse. These dudes, they’re after me for some reason. And they’re all armed to the tits. But instead of like regular weapons they’ve got these fucking mechanical arms with huge pincer grips and C-clamps and massive rusty drill bits like the one going up that dude’s ass on the cover of Pantera’s Far Beyond Driven. You know—the original, uncensored cover. Before they pussed out and changed it to that stupid blue skull thing.

Anyway, I suddenly realize—in my dream, that is—that the dudes from Pig Destroyer wanna use that massive rusty drill bit on ME in much the same way Pantera used it before they pussed out. As in, NOT FUN AT ALL, dude. And I’m not positive what I’m thinking in my dream as far as the pincers and C-clamps go, but I’m pretty sure it involves something terrible and irreparable being done to my genitals. Like I get the feeling the whole general package area is in severe jeopardy. Horrifying, right? I’m not sure if this was one of those Freudian sexual inadequacy deals, or what, but that’s not really what I was concerned about at the time, you know? I was concerned about getting the fuck out of there as fast as fucking possible. So I do what anyone would do—I haul tits, dude. I run like I’ve never run before, like the dude from Chariots Of Fire. Like Carl Lewis all jacked up on muscle juice in 1984. Like Forrest Fucking Gump, dude. The word “fleeing” comes to mind, because that’s what I was doing. I was fleeing. For the safety and preservation of my package.

So I’m hauling balls, literally and figuratively. Through a field. Through a stream. Waist-deep in water. When I’m in the drink, I’m thinking about eels and piranhas and those creepy things with the stingers that killed that Australian dude on the TV. Oh, and candirú, dude. Are you familiar with these aberrations of nature? Totally vicious little fuckers, they swim up your dick hole when you blow a piss and lodge themselves in your urethra with these little spikes that they have. Think about THAT for a second, dude: Dick parasites. I guess they only exist in the Amazon, but I’m not exactly sure where this dream is taking place. Then, after the stream, I come to a bridge, and there’s bodies hanging everywhere with their guts spilling out. Just completely disemboweled, dude, like the cover of that Cannibal Corpse album. You know the one. And it smells fucking disgusting, like they’ve had the drill treatment, if you know what I mean. Have you ever smelled anything in a dream, by the way? Yeah, me neither. First time for everything, I guess.

Finally, I get to a rickety-looking shack under a flickering street light. I wish my REM cycle had more originality, but I guess that’s all it could come up with. Apparently, I’m a lazy bastard even in my dreams. Still, I’m totally creeped out at the sight of this place, and there’s no way I’m gonna set foot in there. But I can hear the dudes from Pig Destroyer behind me. They’re not very far back at all. And now that massive rusty drill is switched on and spinning with that high-pitched whir you hear at the dentist’s office and all I can think about is how much I hate the dentist, how much I really would like to keep my genitals intact and how I really, REALLY don’t want that drill anywhere near my poop chute. So I practically throw myself at the door, dude. And the dudes from Pig Destroyer are right behind me now. Even over the sound of the drill, I can hear them laughing at me—it’s more of an evil cackling, really—about all the unsightly shit they’re gonna do to my undercarriage. But the door won’t open, dude. It’s totally fucking locked or stuck or barricaded or something. And then all I can hear is the relentless whir of the drill as the dudes from Pig Destroyer grab me and start forcing my pants down.

That’s when it ends. And when I wake up, I’ve totally got a boner. Which is weird because none of those dudes are really my type.

This bullshit originally ran in the August 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.

The Ballad Of Valdas Paskas

2010-06-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

What can The Dominator tell us about the fading star of celebrity? Not much, we’d imagine. By the early ’90s, he’d lost the ability to speak. That was the official story, anyway. His ex-wives thought it was a ploy to avoid unpleasant questions—from journalists, ostensibly, but most likely from the ex-wives themselves. He put himself to pasture a long time ago, they’d say. “How far the great have fallen,” and other such well-worn platitudes typical of the speaker’s own fleeting devotion. But they had a point.

As heavy metal heroes go, you couldn’t get much heavier or heroic than Valdas “The Dominator” Paskas. In his prime, he stood 6-foot-7 and weighed 375 pounds. As a teenager in his native Lithuania, he reportedly punched out a mountain lion and then impregnated the beast as it lay unconscious. (To this day, rumors persist of a half-man/half-lion terrorizing weary travelers in the hills near the Belarus border.) As the lead singer for Face Violator, he was an intimidating stage presence, wearing thick industrial chains across his chest in the He-Man style and often hoisting guitarist Ricky “Pete” Damone and bassist Ron Rager onto his shoulders while taunting the audience with horrifying promises of a “severe backdoor delivery.” Toward the end of Face Violator’s career, it was widely reported that The Dominator had attempted to “Burton” Rager by threatening to push the band’s touring van (they hadn’t traveled in a bus for years) onto the bassist at a gas station somewhere near El Paso. No one present doubted he could do it.

Face Violator got their first break opening for Grand Funk in 1975, on that band’s decidedly bloated All The Girls In The World Beware!!! tour. To audiences across America, it was an obvious mismatch. Grand Funk’s waning “Some Kind Of Wonderful” mid-period performances were decidedly ineffectual after Face Violator’s delirious proto-grind had punished them so thoroughly. As The Dominator himself later pointed out, Face Violator had made Grand Funk look like “a buncha weepy teenage split-tails."

The band enjoyed steady popularity in the UK throughout the late ’70s and early ’80s, playing alongside the likes of Motörhead, Venom, Diamond Head and Tygers Of Pan Tang. In 1981, the editors at Sounds tried to arrange a charity boxing match between The Dominator and Samson drummer Barry “Thunderstick” Purkis, but it fell through when The Dominator attacked three constables during a race riot in South London and subsequently spent three nights in a Brixton jail.

In early ’84, Face Violator famously opened for Sabbath on the Born Again tour, which was more or less the beginning of the end. After joining Sabbath onstage for “Zero The Hero” in Cardiff, The Dominator had words with Ian Gillian backstage and reportedly told the former Deep Purple lung-smith to “huff my sweaty bag, fat boy.” Face Violator were unceremoniously booted off the tour and replaced by Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi’s then-girlfriend, Lita Ford.

Face Violator broke up in early ’87, after The Dominator caught Damone and Rager in bed together. (They refused to let him join in.) Ruined by the scandal, the duo never worked again. Though clearly deteriorated in the eyes of the public, The Dominator remained viable. As his contemporaries were busy drinking and whoring themselves to death, he did squat-thrusts at the Y and quietly plotted his revenge. Later that year, he landed a bit part as an SS officer in Roger Corman’s little-seen Nazi boot-camp flick, Iron Youth. (As Corman tells it, The Dominator demanded that his costume be made by the original manufacturers of SS uniforms, Hugo Boss.) The Dominator’s first solo album, Painful Insertion (1987), was bolstered by the modest hit, “I’m Gonna Make You My Reverse Cowgirl,” though many claim the songs were actually written by then-Whitesnake guitarist John Sykes, who still turns pale(r) when he hears The Dominator’s name.

By ’89, The Dominator’s mental state had become increasingly unstable. Some said it was dementia, others claimed a bipolar disorder was exacerbating his already semi-acute Frotteurism. Whatever his affliction, he was clearly out of step with the fans’ prevailing tastes. His second solo album, China Sideways, was greeted with the kind of enthusiasm that usually accompanies a particularly noxious dog fart, and The Dominator quickly went to seed. He ballooned to 500 pounds and cultivated an extensive chin collection before fleeing to Southeast Asia, where whisperings of drug abuse and Thai pool boys persist to this day.

When contacted via email for comment on his activities of the last 20 years, The Dominator simply replied, “What’s Decibel?”

This bullshit originally appeared in the June 2010 issue of Decibel magazine.

Don't Fuck With Dio (No, Seriously--Don't.)

2010-05-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

I'm of Italian-American heritage and my grandmother used it to ward off the evil eye or to give the evil eye to someone who was messing with her grandchild.
--Ronnie James Dio, on why he can't stop throwing the fucking goat.

Question: If you put all the current and ex-members of Black Sabbath in a steel cage and made them fight to the death, who would live?
Answer: Tony Iommi

Question: What if Ronnie James Dio could somehow transmogrify into that red-eyed devil beast swinging the huge chain on the cover of Holy Diver and pretending not to jack off outside the bedroom window on the cover of Dream Evil? Then who'd win?
Answer: Dio.

Look out! He's evil but he's pretty. You can feel his heart but you know he's mean. I'm pretty sure he's the Man On The Silver Mountain (you know that one is autobiographical, right?), and he's definitely got a fucking song called "Overlove."

Say it like you fucking mean it, already: Ronnie Jamesah!

Now show me your cigarette lighters. Oh, wait... wrong dude. Woops.

RJD is the love-gun pumping, goat-throwing, horn-tossing, garden-gnome-battling King Of Heavy Metal and if anybody says any different, I will fight you. Not in a steel cage--or to the death, or whatever--but I'll definitely slap you around a little and maybe give you a good talking to. Just so you know who's boss. And I'm not talking about me, either. I'm not the boss, dude. RJD is the fucking boss. So Bruce Springsteen can feel free to suck it.

Question: Who is the only person in the entire universe to play in bands with members of Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Foreigner, Whitesnake, Sweet Savage and Def Leppard?
Answer: Dio.

Sensing a pattern here?

Any pop psychology assessment of RJD will inevitably include the words "Napoleon" and "complex," but you gotta figure the dude has a sense of humor about his size: The first band he was in was called Elf. Besides, when there's lightning, you know it always brings him down.

Question: How many times does Dio say the words "We rock!" in the song "We Rock" from 1984's The Last In Line?
Answer: 28

Question: Is there any doubt in your mind about whether, in fact, they "rock"?
Answer: Dio.

I feel like maybe you're getting the hang of this.

Like a rainbow in the dark, or whatever, Ronnie James has been left out on his own. Shunned by Sabbath, Ritchie Blackmore, and most of the 40-year old mullet squadron who abandoned him for inappreciable pursuits like gainful employment, a wife & kids, and/or Nickelback concerts, RJD has been forced to resort to Lord Of The Rings-style fantasy-concept albums like and Magica and Killing The Dragon just to maintain some sort of aesthetic cohesion and fill his garden with those conniving gnomes that insist on falling over unexpectedly to sever the tip of his thumb, like that one particularly insidious gnome did back in 2003. If I ever see that lawn statue, I will smash it with my cast-iron Mjölnir replica. And then I will blow a hot, smelly asparagus piss all over the pulverized remains.

As if it weren't totally obvious, I have listened to "Holy Diver" and "Rainbow In The Dark" approximately 25 times on nonstop psychotic repeat mode (they're back to back on The Very Beast Of Dio) in the last three hours. And that's on top of the approximately 9000 times I've heard those jams since I first saw the videos on Headbangers Ball back in the '80s. And they never get old. Ever. In fact, I'm gonna stop typing now so I can do some push-ups as the power of The Diver courses through my veins like nitro.

I think you know what I'm trying to say here: Ronnie Jamesah!

Now that's a truth as hard as steel. Like a never-ending wheel.*

Look out!

Rest in peace, Ronnie. You were a true gem.

This bullshit originally ran in the May 2006 issue of Decibel magazine.

*Ronnie actually said, "Life's a never-ending wheel." But I know our man is cool with artistic license.